Numbness

You could put a knife right through my heart (literally, not figuratively) and I would not feel it.

You could tell me that everything I ever wanted I could have, and I would refuse it.

You could show me the rarest most beautiful flower, and I would find it ugly.

I stared at some trees today, the leaves had changed because of Fall. To me, they were as dead as the green color they had ridden themselves of.

I find beauty in nothing. I find life in nothing. I feel my own life has been completely sucked out of my soul.

I don't cry. I think. I don't cry because I fear to feel that feeling I know is there of ... loss? That understates the feeling, loss isn't strong enough.

I do not know what is.

I sat in that hospital room, watching her. Quietly watching her.

Laying in a bed dying. I don't feel worthy of enjoying anything. Nothing is pleasurable.

I do not feel worthy of enjoying this life when the person who gave it to me can not.

My equation is incomplete. My being is broken.

I've lost all identity. Who am I now? Who am I supposed to do things for? Who am I supposed to make proud, if not her. Who am I supposed to show what a good job she did? Who am I supposed to talk to transparently without any fear of being judged.

Who am I supposed to be like?

I am left alone in this world, with no one. And i dont anyone that isnt her. I dont want life, for she is my life. She is my existence.

I walk the streeets and there is silence. She is taking with her every aspect of my existence. She is taking with her my beauty, and I am now ugly and without purpose. Void.